You may be asking yourself, what ridiculous shit could Claire have possibly bought on Amazon?! Oh, friends. You are giving me too much credit. Haven’t we all, amidst a buzzed haze, opened the Amazon app on our phones and made some questionable purchases? Haven’t we all, days later, opened an Amazon box left on our porch with wonder in our eyes, curious to see what our drunk self may have bought?
Just me? Okay, cool. Well then please enjoy this tour of what Drunk Claire (or maybe just Sober But With Questionable Judgement Claire) has bought from Amazon, ranked in order of ridiculousness. Buckle up.
Well, something had to be the “least” ridiculous thing on a list of most ridiculous things, so this gets the spot. While these are mostly ridiculously AWESOME, I included them partly because of the ridiculous way in which I sought them out.
I found them on a gift guide that was about 4 years old and then went on a frenzy to locate them. Fab had sold out. Overstock had sold out. Wayfair had sold out. And then I found, deep in the depths of Amazon, a retailer that still had one. ONE set. And they were mine.
Since acquiring these beauties, I have had a visiting three-year-old decide it was the best possible thing to have in her mouth. So I think that says something about my ability to buy the best coasters bar none. Also, the brown bears are almost exactly the same color as our coffee table wood, which means I frequently wonder why there is a decapitated bear head on my coffee table. Do you even need another excuse to buy a set for yourself?
Honestly, the true product name goes on and on. I just wanted you to know how it starts. What’s so ridiculous about buying a wig on Amazon, you ask? To which I just look at you hard and wonder if you have ever bought hair online.
Regardless, I bought this as part of a Halloween costume even thought it wasn’t really a good fit because it was (a) cheap, and (b) fast. It is probably the least realistic wig I have ever seen, including all rainbow and clown wigs. But it’s mine! And I can put it on whenever I feel like terrorizing my husband and/or impersonating Daenerys Targaryen.
Fun fact: the costume that I bought this for (technically it was Eleven costume from Stranger Things but I also got some mileage out of it for Pizza Princess) was also ridiculous, but it got its maiden voyage at a Halloween treasure hunt at the Thinkery (Austin’s Children Museum). They do these cool events called Thinkery 21 where grown-ups get to wander around the museum and play and drink alcohol, and for Halloween, the first event email invitation said to come in costume. So I did! Even though all the other event information, including the ticketing page and Facebook event, did not say anything about costumes. So I show up in this ABSURD wig and a pizza dress and was miserable and felt like a complete weirdo pizza hooker and ran back to the car to change. TRUE STORY.
Heyyyyyyyy, guy! Spiralizers are all the rage! Vegetti! Zoodles! Do you want a spiralizer, but don’t feel like shelling out $30???
Boy, have I got a deal for you! Just buy the SpiralMaster for $10, get fed up with its inability to do ANYTHING, and then buy a spiralizer for $30!
It’s just like spending $30 on a spiralizer, except you waste $10 on this piece of garbage first! Trust me, you’ll get so annoyed by this cheap piece of plastic with a tin foil edge that you’ll be grateful that real spiralizers don’t cost an actual large sum of money!
I think I tried this three times and cut my hand four times. This thing isn’t sharp; I just cut myself trying to turn the gnarled vegetable that I removed from it into something edible. Disclaimer: There were exactly zero spirals created in the use of this product.
Ah, yes. One of my more recent ridiculous purchases. I’m sure you’re familiar with Squatty Potty. Well, meet easyGopro, Squatty Potty’s sad, knock-off little brother with a Napoleon complex.
First, let me be clear: Drunk Claire did this. Drunk Claire saw this on sale for $15 and decided that that was the correct price to pay to satisfy the curiosity around the Squatty Potty. Are we really pooping wrong?! I wondered. I must find out! I must have an answer! So I ordered this and then when it arrived days later I was surprised to learn/remember that I had ordered it. Cool!
The really ridiculous thing about this is not that it exists. Sure, squat and go. Great. The really ridiculous thing about this is that it feels the need to add ‘pro’ onto its name, as if in an attempt to legitimize itself. LISTEN, LADIES. I’M NO EASYGO AMATEUR. I NEED THE PROFESSIONAL GRADE PIECE OF PLASTIC TO REST MY FEET ON WHILE I’M HAVING A MOMENT.
Similarly, it came with a sticker that said “I <3 TO GO” which….. ?!??!?!?! I should have put it on my water bottle, but even I am not that confident. I guess I may not be a Pro.
Over a year ago, I worried that my desk didn’t have enough “personal” items. I thought perhaps I seemed unapproachable and cold. The solution to this? Buy a child’s toy and put it on my desk!
Seriously. My crazy brain was like YOU KNOW WHAT? Better to buy a new, meaningless toy than bring something in that actually reflects your true personality. I mean I like foxes, but this was pandering for sure. And my desk still seems pretty cold and devoid of real character.
Fun fact, this quote is actually in the product description,”This quick red fox jumps over every lazy dog to get into your arms!” I can’t roll my eyes hard enough. And this is what I picked to seem VERY ME!
Just in case you thought that money couldn’t buy you things like happiness, remember this. It also can’t buy you warmth in the workplace or good decision making. At least, not for just $7.99.
So this is how I turned myself into a tiger. There are so many questionable aspects to this decision. First of all, don’t dye your hair at home. If you must, then maybe just do, like, roots touch-up? Or gray coverage? But definitely absolutely don’t attempt highlights.
Secondly, if you ARE going to try to dye your hair at home and you HAVE made the horrible decision to do highlights, DON’T DO IT ALONE. Whatever little fingertip fuzzy they give you is absolutely not going to result in nice, subtle highlights. The only good at-home highlights I’ve ever had (good being a pejorative term and relative to the fact that I was 17 at the time) were using those crazy caps where someone else has to pull tiny strands of your hair through the cap. And then, anyway, you get little dots of bleach through any holes you don’t use. It’s just horrible DON’T DYE YOUR OWN HAIR.
Anyway, that little finger nubbin is absolutely not the appropriate tool for highlighting your hair. No, you cannot do ombre with it. No, you cannot do balayage with it. Stop fooling yourself. You’re ridiculous, Drunk Claire. And you ruined your hair for the last time with this ridiculous purchase!
Guyssss this is soooo grosssss and embarrassinggggggg. I used to have great skin. SUPER great skin. Glowing-I-don’t-need-foundation skin. But then I switched birth controls because I had super high blood pressure (thanks, estrogen!) and my face decided to implode on itself regularly. We’re taking no less than three awful, red, oozing monsters on my cheeks and chin at any given time.
I tried everything to get rid of them. Seriously, everything. Wouldn’t you? At the age of 26? And one of the things I tried was this crazy sulfur acne treatment in an effort to dry those suckers out. The before & after pictures were encouraging, and I’m sure I found it through some blog or website.
BUT IT IS DISGUSTING. And there is so much of it! It will last forever! Imagine a container the size of 3 boxes of Tic Tacs but full of wood glue. Then imagine dabbing a tiny, less than a fingernail amount on your face every night before bed. IT LASTS FOREVER. Except then your face REEKS of sulfur oh and also it is insanely sticky and oily and will rub off on everything and anything. Your hair will get stuck in it, and your hair will reek. It’s awful, and a mess, and you will regret it all.
And I still got the same amount of acne. 🙁
This is a spring that you use to torture yourself.
Now I have a high threshold for pain, so when I read in the reviews that it stings or hurts a little, I am not afraid. I guarantee I found this through a post on Buzzfeed or similar about AMAZON BEAUTY TOOL MUST-HAVES FOR UNDER $15 or something. The initial review probably mentioned that it hurt a bit, but I disregarded that as well.
THIS IS A TORTURE DEVICE. I can’t put it on my face without crying. I don’t know why I still have it (I do) but every time I trick myself into thinking it’s not that bad, I discover again that it truly is that bad.
See what you do is bend this spring and then run it against your face and it grabs little hairs and makes you regret every decision that led to that moment. And then you are FUZZ FREE!! WOO! No beauty standard is worth this insanity. None. Be hairy. Live your life. Don’t use a facial hair removal threading tool.
Picked up this bad idea because beets are supposed to improve liver health. I had a scan of my middle-bits (south of ribcage and north of hips) and it revealed a spot on my liver. Nothing BAD BAD but just spotty enough to warrant a “maybe cut back on drinking” warning from the nurse who read it.
You’d think that at 25 or whatever I was then that I’d take such a warning seriously. LOL! Nope. I ordered this INSTEAD of curtailing my drinking. Seriously.
I spent $17 on dried beet powder instead of buying real beets or buying less alcohol. At least my husband (then fiance) had the presence of mind to call me out on this BS choice (Not that that would stop me.)
True fact: This stuff clumped up into one unbreakable pile of red that I was never able to cut through. Great use of funds and a very mature, responsible, adult decision. Do not fool yourself. Juice powder is not a healthful change in your life.
Another Buzzfeed list find, another ridiculous product. I would be beyond delighted to tell you that THIS STUFF ACTUALLY WORKS!!! It doesn’t. It works in as much as it smears on my face, dries, and peels off. But I have never had it actually de-gunk my pores (sorry!) even when it had much de-gunking to do.
I usually try to make this work on my nose, which is where my pores are largest (#normal) and have yet to find success. Some reviews say you just need to slather it on THICK but um, even when I do that and it takes an hour to dry, still no gunk.
Therefore I must believe that this is a sham product intended to make people look like adorable little animals. I can also testify that it REALLY confuses Snapchat, which then has no idea where your nose is OR IF YOU EVEN HAVE A NOSE OMG and so if you want to try and look extra puppy-y in a filter with this, I am sorry to report that you will be disappointed.
This one makes me laugh just thinking about it. So I used to have a platform tray style bed with a rather deep “lip” that the mattress set in. Mostly not a problem, except that it made my nightstand really far away. And only one side of my bed had a nightstand.
So I was on the hunt for some solution to hold a cup of water (seriously) closer to my bed (I’m not kidding) and this is the product that I selected to solve that problem. Yep, I bought a cheap plastic car cup holder and tried to wedge it onto my bed so that water would be closer at night.
Not only did it fail to fit where my hair-brained idea thought it would fit, but it was so flimsy that it wouldn’t even hold a half-empty can of Coke, let alone a large cup filled with water. I learned that the hard way, but only once.
As I’m writing this, I can’t help but just shake my head at my own idiocy. This is what happens when one lives alone, likes to drink, and has access to Amazon Prime. Cooooooooooooool.
SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST!!! Check. These. Babies. Out! They are tiny little stickers that you put on your face when you have or are feeling a pimple coming on.
Do they stick well? NO WAY! Do they make you look stupid? YOU BETCHA! Do they actually help at all? A LITTLE BIT! I would love to just rag on these all day, and even though I stand by their placement as the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever bought on Amazon, I also must admit that they are a little bit useful!
I’m not saying they are even like 30% effective, but maybe 10%? And when they work it is pretty cool? But the thought of these staying on your pimple-in-making overnight if you do more than light breathe in your sleep is ludicrous, and you look like a total dork in them.
So yes, I have made some questionable buying decisions on Amazon over the years. And you’re welcome.